My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
