dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
