the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I got inside last night via doggy door
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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