you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
