dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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