the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
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