I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
