so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
