Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
