We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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