Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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