So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
