I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
