im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
