Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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