i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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