I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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