I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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