Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
