i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
