I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
