Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
