Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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