I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
