just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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