You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
