I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
