im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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