I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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