Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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