just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
