I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Is Oprah even human
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
