My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You dont lie about slip and slides
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
