Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize