she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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