K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
