I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
