I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Randomize
