I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
