We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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