I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
