I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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