I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
