I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I just found puke in my bra..
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
