I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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