The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
