your thong is hanging out like whoa
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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