M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
How does one acquire holy water?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
