the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
