Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
