I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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