there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
