Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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