So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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