Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
