I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
