Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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