i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
