He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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