You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize